The Art of War - Danshoku no Rekishi edition

Dammit, 'Ro, you're making me go through that inane "Valentine's" shit from last year AGAIN?!

2004-02-13T21:07:40Z

Okay, so now that I've gotten that off my chest and feel more calm, I've started brainstorming on strategies to persuade Val's mom that I'm a perfectly healthy ~~pervert~~ presence for her boy to have around. (I mean, come on, she keeps letting Xelloss back into her life no matter how often she kicks him out. I should be a shoo-in just 'cause of that.)

'Ro says that a fairly effective way humans use to placate the wrathful parent of their object of affection is ~~bribery~~ to give them gifts. From my close-up observations of humans during my years living under the curse, I'd have to agree. ~~(So I have to buy for two people now? Crap.)~~

Anyway, I still have to find something suitable, but... hey, xellosskun, I'm feeling generous right now, so here's a suggestion: Next time you want to ~~try to get in her pants~~ sweeten her up a little, consider getting her one of these along with the tub of butter. It seems like your style.

I return...

2004-02-13T10:32:24Z

Yeah, yeah, I just got back from ~~being forced to go into hiding in order to throw Lei off my scent - goddamit, when will that horny bastard ever learn that "no" means "NOT IN THIS LIFETIME OR ANY OF THE NEXT ONES?!"~~ an extended vacation. Pretty boring trip, so I'll spare you all the details.

Anyway... you know, before my first visit to the Sea of Chaos, I have never really known fear.

This is natural for those of my race of origin, due to our intimate familiarity with how to cause fear, and the fact that there are very few who can match a mazoku's power, especially one of my rank. And even when I found one of those rare matches, all they ever got from me was the acknowledgement of a challenge - I live for a good fight, y'know.

So, it wasn't until that first time I had to face the totally random wrath of the Great One (and her shovel) that I really understood what "fear" felt like.

This, however, I consider normal enough. I mean, it's the Great One, the mother and destroyer of everything, how can you NOT fear her, even if only a little?

Aside from that, I fear nothing. Not my former master, not the stupid brat or my other siblings, not Ceipheed or his three remaining alteregos, not dragons, not humans, not these Christian-whatchamacallits from Rora's part of the universe, and not these "Borg" folks that keep babbling "assimilation" nonsense (Don't they know that the only true assimilation is the return of everything to chaos and nonexistence? Silly part-machine things.).

That said...

...THEN WHY THE FUCK IS THIS WOMAN'S SUDDEN PRESENCE MAKING ME KIND OF UNEASY?!

(And JUST when Val's grounding for all the times he snuck out was finally over, too! DAMMIT!)

...I bet it's the humanity curse pulling some kind of new number on me. Stupid Aqualord.

If only meiou's Hell were this entertaining...

2003-04-30T12:19:07Z

Okay, so these God and Satan guys of you "Christian" folks sound like total pussies with the way they set up the rules here (Oral, anal, and premarital sex are sins? What the fuck are you people ON?!), but I figured I'd try this shit out anyway:

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Sodomites on the 7th level? ALRIGHT! Just get me the folks from the 2nd floor and we got a party!

About fucking time she let me back here...

2003-04-30T11:24:02Z

HAH HAH... karma is a fucking bitch, huh 'Ro?

Anyway, I'm finally back. See, what 'Ro didn't say there was that while she was recovering from that fall, the bitch up and decides to kick me out of her place because I'm "being a jackass." Pure bullshit, if you ask me - I really don't see what was the big deal about repeatedly poking her on the ass. It's like being slapped on the back by your buddies when you have a sunburn - they're just trying to make a man out of you in the end. (Plus hearing her yelp in pain and curse is funny.)

So, she goes into a fit of melodramatic overreacting, and five minutes later I find myself out on the street (I don't know what the hell kinda wards she put up, but they worked. Maybe she's been talking to the Great One. Or at least Ceipheed.). And even after she's better she doesn't let me back in until today, claiming she "forgot." Spiteful's more like it.

Anyway, it's not like it matters that much. I just went back to the Sea of Chaos and crashed there, and while my stay wasn't particularly eventful, I DID manage to make it look like Lei was the one scribbling obscene graffiti on the Great One's shovel. And the best part about it was that it actually turned out to be the truth: He was trying to make it look like it was the brat who did it, but his handwriting betrayed him in the end - it was all too neat and froofy even when he tried to write like a kid.

Normally I wouldn't be thrilled for indirectly saving meiou's ass, but the punishment Lei got for that was so perfect that I'm not complaining.

HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING CEIPHEED'S COMPANY AS MUCH AS I "ENJOYED" YOURS, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!

Goddamit, OW. (aka: Fangirl's revenge.)

2003-02-22T04:10:57Z

I've always known 'Rora to be a fangirl. Probably one of the most adoring groupies I've had in this lifetime.

I've also known her to be pretty much the marshmallowy wussy type - she's a pacifist, very forgiving of others, and about the only thing she could hurt in a fight would be a five-year-old midget.

Remind me to never laugh at her when she overreacts to a minor thing like borrowing her birthday present for a perfectly good cause again.

Oh, I know it was her. She was the only one that knew where my favorite place to train over here was. And all it would take for her to let that bastard Lei know about it so he could ambush me and keep me prisoner for the past three days would be one talk with azusa. Just ONE.

She didn't even bat an eyelash when I came back with half of my clothing all torn up. Hell, she even had a bunch of ice packs ready and stored in the freezer. I think it doesn't get anymore fucking obvious than that.

Crap, I still can't feel anything from the waist down.

At least she seems to have forgiven me and is back to her cute and harmless self again - she's even letting me sleep on her bed instead of the couch, bringing me food and everything else I ask for. I might spare her from a painful horrible death just this one time.

...

......

.........you guys who were in on this better not have made any goddamn videos or pictures of what happened, though, or I'm going on a rampage on all you bitches.

Aftermath.

2003-02-16T18:06:32Z

Well, the whole Valentine's thing has come and gone, and after hearing out many suggestions from the lot of you, here's what went down:

After much ~~grumbling about how there wasn't really any time left for a proper plan of action and over the stupidity of giving tokens of affection in general~~ careful deliberation, I realized that the name "Godiva" rang a bell. So I looked around.

Well, what do you know, there's a box of the aforementioned chocolates, which 'Rora got from shinkuu on her birthday a couple of weeks back.

And she hadn't opened it yet. Perfect.

Great timing too, 'cause Val arrived little more than a half hour later - much earlier than I was expecting.

So, he shows up, I give him his little surprise, and he LOVES it. Granted, it's not my idea (or Arcian's) of a truly great present, but what the hell - he's still a kid in some ways, and being easily suckered by sweets is one of those. And the chocolates themselves weren't half bad (not as great as Ruaki's chocolate would've been, but not bad at all), especially with a glass of wine on the side (thanks for indirectly reminding me of my stash, Alice). Speaking of which, Val actually went and had some too, for a change.

Anyway, we just talk for a while, mostly about his arguing with his mom because he wants to find out more about himself and where he came from (His mom did the right thing in telling him that he was adopted when he was old enough to start noticing these things, but she otherwise keeps him mostly in the dark, and it gets on his nerves.) and how he wants me to teach him how to fight so he can "protect his mother and home" and whatnot (he knows magic from her, but not all that much about physical combat - other than how to clobber someone with a mace, that is). I'm more than happy to oblige with the latter - he should know how to take care of himself as much as possible, and having a sparring partner again would be great. Not to mention it means more chances to randomly feel him up.

So, after agreeing on what day to start his training, he goes and hugs me in thanks for the gift. I go in for the kill and kiss him, he doesn't try to shy away and we stay like that for a bit, then he hugs me again and snuggles on my shoulder.

I'm patting myself on the back for a flawless job of things thus far and about to kiss him again, this time to try to get him into a serious makeout session, when...

...he's asleep.

Figures life would want to laugh at my face and he'd have too much of the wine.

Dammit, that wasn't even half of what he used to be able to drink in the old days!

CRAP CRAP CRAP.

Dragon kids these days - body mass larger than a Boeing, but they drink like freakin' birds. And as tempting as it was to take advantage of the situation, it's just not quite as much fun if your partner isn't ~~moaning and thrashing underneath and biting your shoulder and yelling at you to give it to him harder~~ participating.

Okay, okay, so the whole Valentine's thing wasn't a total waste, even though now I'm sitting alone, my mind swimming with images of Val licking chocolate off his fingers which reminds me of when he used to do that kinda stuff to me in the past and how he always looked like it was his first time trying to do that yet was a natural at it and goddammit the memory's making me hard again for the third time this hour and 'Ro's out of tissues and FUCKETY FUCK FUCK WHY THE HELL DID I HAVE TO BE SUCH A GENTLEMAN THAT NIGHT?!.

On the positive side, the look on 'Ro's face when she got home and saw what happened to her candy was absolutely priceless. Almost made up for everything!

Goddamn stupid human festivities....

2003-02-13T03:28:48Z

Okay, for once, I'm gonna swallow my pride and admit that I need a little bit of outside help for something. I may be several millenia old, and I've already reincarnated a couple of lifetimes after the curse, but I guess I'm still kinda new to the whole "people skills" crap you humans spew, so I figure you guys might be able to answer this one.

But first, lemme backtrack a bit and explain what's been going on with my life for the past couple of years.

You hardcore worshippers of mine that reload the page every hour in hope of more of my wisdom have probably seen mention of this "not dead" business already, but here's the gist of things:

After a good long while of being verbally chewed out and smacked around with various heavy objects for being "naughty children," the Great One gave the brat and I a reprieve of sorts. His is still being negotiated, so he can't go back home yet (he can go ~~rant at~~ visit potega on this side of the world when he's not in the Sea of Chaos, tho' - I guess Great One didn't want a whiny kid in the place all day), I'm in the clear as long as I don't "disrupt things too much" (crap, there goes my chance of getting rid of Lei once and for all).

Anyway, problem is that by the time my reprieve's settled, a whole bunch of years had passed back home. And not only did Val go psycho while in my absence (Dammit, you'd think he'd have learned to be a little less emotionally dependent on me for everyone's sake - I guess I didn't do as good a job as I thought of helping him work through that issue.), but when Great One decided to grant him a reprieve too, he got turned into a goddamn egg. So by the time I'm back, he's this five-year-old squirt (at least, that's what he looked like in human years). FUCK. FUCK ASS.

Okay, okay, so maybe it wasn't that bad. I mean, he's actually got himself a pretty sweet gig now: Not only does he get to forget all the painful crap that messed him up, but he's even found himself one seriously hot dragon babe ~~with a pair of breasts you just wanna grope to see if they're as big and soft as they look~~ to play mama for him (Even if she has pretty lousy taste in men, but that's a different story.). And he was pretty adorable for a kid. That still didn't take away the fact that having my sex life with him put on hold in that drastic a manner rather sucked.

So, after several years of ~~a healthy amount of one-nighters to take the edge off my libido~~ celibacy, he's grown up to an acceptable age (he looks something like sixteen to you guys), and HOT DAMN is he ripe for the pickin'! He doesn't quite have his full height and build yet (still a little growing left to do), but he's already very pleasing to look at: Nice chest (not as broad as it was yet, like I said, but anyway...), trim waist, long, strong legs. Hair at a medium-to-long sorta length (and not in that damn pineapple 'do he grew fond of towards our last couple of years before my little mishap with the brat). No scars, just smooth, soft-looking skin. AND LORD ALMIGHTY, THAT SWEET, SWEET ASS! It's just as perfect as it was before - just the right size, roundness, and perkiness that makes you want to pinch it and slap it and grab hold of it and...

...but I digress. Back to the explanation at hand.

Anyway, I've already started making my move (that was never the problem here): I befriended Valga- er, sorry... Valteira a few years ago, when he was still a bit more of a kid. He's currently still the only one who knows about me (Which might've led him to think for a while that I was imaginary or something. Of course, I would've shown him just how really real I was, but he wasn't at a "doable" age for my tastes then.) over there, as I'm still gauging what his ~~sexy mamasita's~~ mom's reaction to an older guy courting her darling innocent son would be like (I've seen her beat Xelloss senseless when he visits them. She wields one MEAN mace, and while she's damn cute when pissed, I get enough whacks over the head when I'm visiting the Great One.), and because while Jiras and Grabos would probably be happy to see me (after freaking out and thinking I'm a ghost, of course), they're quite frankly a pair of complete idiots (despite their meaning well), and would screw up my plans to stay incognito (for the time being, at least).

And that should bring us up to speed, more or less. Now, here's where the problem comes in:

See, a few days ago, Val snuck out of his house to come visit me over here. Now, that's fine and dandy - in fact, it's a great indicator that things are going well, since he's already been showing signs that he's got a crush on me. 'Rora then comes in and starts chatting with him for a while, which is fine too.

Anyway, their little conversation turns into a discussion of what human festivities back home and over here are like, and 'Ro starts telling him about the "next big thing" in the calendar here, which is called Valentine's Day. Upon hearing the explanation (which was a pretty sappy-ass thing, from the sounds of it), Val's going like "Oh, that sounds nice. I wish I could experience that at least once." I'm already bored, so I pay no mind to the rest of it and focus on my thoughts ~~of Val bathing and looking all shy and coy and trying to hide an obvious hardon when he asks me to scrub his back~~.

So, after that's over, we hang out some more like usual, have fun, then he leaves. Things seem fine, right? Wrong. See, right after he leaves is when 'Ro decides to hit me over the head and scream, "You IDIOT!"

I'm not too thrilled about her doing that, so I hit her back before asking what the fuck was that for.

When she wakes up about an hour later (sometimes I forget you humans are kinda fragile), she's still pissed off for no reason (well, maybe that smack had to do with it), and then says, "Didn't you GET THE HINT?!"

No, 'Ro, you know I hate it when people beat around the bush. What hint?

"He wants you to be his Valentine, moron!"

Sounds simple enough, so I ask her to explain.

She goes into this whole bit about how I need to give him a "token of my affection." In other words, a gift.

CRAP.

DOUBLE CRAP.

See here, I'm not used to giving or getting presents. Okay, so back in my days as a general there were the offerings we got from human minions, and every couple of centuries (whenever we felt like it, really) the other lords and I had small exchanges amongst ourselves - like the time I got Zelas that amputee that could roll cigarettes with his feet (talented fellow, he was). But those are Mazoku presents, and I kinda doubt they'd cut it here.

So I start trying to think of the bits I've learned about humans from my few previous lifetimes: Flowers? Those are for pansies. 'Ro suggested the old staple of chocolate or any other sweets, but that sounds pretty lame to me. And my own old staple of a good sound fucking isn't going to cut it either, because he's not quite ready for pouncing yet (Dammit, this' what I hate about "innocent" types - you can't get straight to the point. Normally they're not my thing, but the whole act works SO DAMN WELL on him it's irresistible.). Or so 'Ro insists. So what the hell am I supposed to get him?!

So there you go, that's my little bind. I'm fresh out of ideas, and 'Ro isn't helping at all, so I'd like some input from you lovely groupies of mine. I'm sure one of you has to have something up a sleeve.

Paternity issues.

2003-02-10T14:11:13Z

Okay, since 'Rora keeps pestering me about it and some of you probably got the same stupid question, I'll give you my answer on whether I'm this Tosh via Monji fellow's real dad or not.

Some references for ~~you idiots who can't run a search~~ the uninformed:

This chick has a couple more if you ain't happy enough with that. And 'Ro, being the squealing groupie she is, also took a bunch of pictures of him.

Anyway, my answer:

Look, I don't know, alright? You got any idea just how many women I boned in the last thousand years as a human? Hell, I don't know how many either, I don't keep track of these things. Let's just say that if all of them claimed child support, I'D BE FUCKED FOR SEVERAL THOUSAND LIFETIMES.

And to be frank, I don't care enough to wanna know. I mean, from what 'Ro's told me about him, this kid seems to be doing pretty well on his own - I have to admit that he's actually a pretty handsome guy (almost as much as me), and he looks like he can fight pretty well (for a human). And he even has a damn good-looking "friend" (I'd do him, at least.). So why bother him with bullshit we're not even sure of anyway if he's happy?

....

........

............

................hey, at least I ACCEPT I don't have the proper traits for a father. Plus I don't insist on trying to screw 'em, either.

Personality test.

2003-02-07T11:23:14Z

Because one of my groupies asked so nicely, here:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

So basically, what it all means is that I'm a pretty normal guy, and the brat is not. Shit, I could've told you that already without the damn thing.

GODFUCKINGDAMNIT!

2003-02-07T08:20:32Z

So, today 'Rora and I get back from the beach (If there's one good thing about staying here, it's that prime bikini-watching spots are just a walk away.), and she checks her answering machine for messages.

There's about 37 of them. And they're all from Lei.

And he's going "I AM INCEST KING I WIN I AM INCEST KING I WIN" over and over again.

rikoshi, you fucking bastard, why'd you give him Ro's number?!

Princes of the Universe

2003-02-06T07:08:59Z

So I'm listening to some of the mp3s in 'Rora's computer now, and I gotta conclude that these "Queen" guys kicks ass for one simple reason:

They're singing about me in this song.

Seriously, I mean it.

(And they mention swords and chicks. That's two extra thumbs up right there.)

My greatness is influential to the point that it stirs the creativity of people from a place where most people think demons are imaginary (the fools). I'm touched.

You know, when I told 'Rora that earlier, she sighed and rolled her eyes. I wonder why.

Testing this piece of crap.

2003-02-06T06:36:03Z

So I'm crashing again at aruru's after finding out that bastard Lei was dropping by the Sea of Chaos this weekend. Sorry, but as entertaining as seeing him getting smashed on the head over and over by the Great One is, I'm not risking the displeasure of his company. Especially after she let it slip that he said he had a "present" for me. That's a particularly bad warning sign.

Hey, there's a line between bravery and plain stupidity, and I consider that to be it.

Anyway, after doing some training and then raiding the fridge, I got bored. 'Rora told me to find something useful to do. I didn't feel like it, so she suggested making a journal instead.

I figured why the hell not, I'm kinda curious about hearing from all these adoring worshippers of mine over in this world. There is never such a thing as having enough groupies ~~no matter how incredibly stupid some of them are~~. And I'm sure they all want to know what I'm up to (hey, if people here like to read that "teenage goth angst" stuff by the million, then my words will be the freakin' Claire Bible come to illuminate all).

Anyway, you can give me all your adoring praise and any questions by posting on that comments thing there. I may have thousands of years of experience in many (many) things, but keeping a journal is actually a first (See, I used to think it was a pussyfied thing only Dynast did. Now I see that in his case it was to keep his mind busy when not creaming his pants over his "brilliant" new battle strategies he was sharing with us. That doesn't change the fact that he's a boring as fuck pansyass, but at least it seems to keep him somewhat sane... well, saner than the brat, at least.), so I'm still fishing for topics.